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Procrastination is like masturbation...feels real good until you realize you've fucked yourself.
If we were all wiener dogs, our problems would be solved. - The Brave Little Toaster
Everytime I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. - Homer Simpson
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen
Don't just do something, stand there! - Alice in Wonderland
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. - Tiger Woods
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
A bad movie is better than a good root canal.
Flying an airplane is no different than riding a bicycle, except its a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes - Airplane
If God had intended for us to walk, he wouldnt have given us roller skates. - Willy Wonka
Eagles may soar high & free, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door.
I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why god portions it out into those tiny packets. - Homer Simpson
Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company. - Mark Twain
I gave up jogging for health reasons: my thighs kept rubbing together and set my pants on fire!
Laziness is nothing more than resting before you get tired.
Trying is the first step towards failure. - Homer Simpson
My life is rapidly becoming a punch line for a seriously disturbed joke. - Dawson's Creek
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come. - Matt Groening
I ran out of ice cream bars the other day, and I cried. Then I remembered Alexander the Great, and how he wept when there were no more worlds to conquer. How very much alike we are, I thought.
Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes.....that way when you criticize them......you are a mile away from them.....and you have their shoes.
It's all about Starbucks. - Darren Hayes
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me. - Homer Simpson
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy. Check 3 friends, if they are OK, you're it.
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember: When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes 4 more muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap them upside the head.
We are responsible for what we do - unless we are celebrities.
The trouble with work is - it's so daily.
When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - its always a negative one.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Be true to yourself, but lie to everyone else.
If practice makes perfect and no one is perfect, then why practice?
Y2K? Because one K just isn't enough.
Clones are people, two.
Nobody is totally useless. They can always be used as a bad example.
I cannot move mountains, just urinate at their base and hope to erode the soil enough to leave some sort of lasting effect.
Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies.
Swallow a toad in the morning and you will encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day.
We're all pretty bizzare, some of us are just better at hiding it.
I talk to myself because I like talking to a better class of people.
The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
Men are like a deck of cards. Youll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.
It took awhile, but when they're numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry. -Anon.
People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to pick on rich women than biker gangs.
One good thing about drugs: They taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
When life hands you lemons, ask for some tequila and salt.
If you want me to fall for you, then give me something worth tripping over.
You are only young once but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Smile, its the 2nd best thing u can do with your lips!
A terrible thing happened to me last night again: nothing.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat.
I'm going to tell you a story that will make your balls shrink to the size of raisins.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
I'm already disturbed, please don't come in.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me
Cmon, somethinghappen!
If you love something, set if free. If it comes back; it's yours forever. If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it.
Dont knock the weather, 90% of people couldnt start a conversation if it didnt change once in a while.
Your friend is the one you call to get you out of jail, but your best friend is the one sitting next to you saying, Wow, that was fun!
How do you stop a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
Guys are like Slinkies. Its fun to watch them fall down stairs.
Running is unnatural unless it's from the cops or to the bathroom
I'm out... like the fat kid in dodge ball.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they won't expect it back.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schultz
I wish I was a glow worm, a glow worm's never glum. Cause how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your bum?!
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
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