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The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. Now she has 14 kids, but she doesn't really seem to care.
Rather than give my children names, each morning I assign them different numbers that represent how much I love them relative to their brothers and sisters that day. Kids love number games.
When I die I want to go by spontaneous human combustion. And hopefully it'll occur next to a broom and a dustpan, as that would make clean-up a snap.
You wouldn't think it, but the worst part about wearing earmuffs made from a split grapefruit and a coat hanger isn't the cold or the wet - it's the seeds.
Some days are easy, like licking icing off a spoon. Today was more like stapling Jell-O to a brick.
At some point in the future, when black people have a bit more history, they'll probably need a month longer than February in which to celebrate it.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
I don't think I'd make a good parent, because I'm the kind of person who lets a kid run with scissors because it develops good hand-eye coordination.
I think the best way to insult an illiterate bully is to write him a nasty letter.
Americans would be a lot less obese if we all agreed to do a whimsical little dance instead of saying, "Hello."
I think in a past life I was a ruler in Egypt. I can tell cause I really like wearing sandals a lot.
I tell you what: if that Kool-Aid guy ever busts through *my* wall, I'm kicking his ass. Well, unless I'm really thirsty. Then I guess it'd be okay.
I don't care what anybody says, "Planet of the Apes" is unrealistic. Any scientist will tell you that on a planet full of monkeys, someone's throwing some feces.
If I were a farmer, I think I'd pave over my fields and build a giant roller coaster, because riding roller coasters all day sure beats farming.
After intravenously injecting the chocolatey, peanut-buttery substance that had been marinating for a week in a mixture of vinegar, rubbing alcohol and sea salt, I was sick for days. Apparently, there IS a wrong way to eat a Reese's.
Word to the wise: If a recipe calls for allspice, Old Spice is not an effective substitute.
I think we all have a responsibility to report criminal activities to the police, even if the criminal happens to be your next door neighbor, and even if he's not really a criminal, but it's just a boring Sunday afternoon and you're just looking to liven things up a bit.
God was a regular chatterbox in the days of the Old Testament, but now He's been silent for 2,000 years. But I'd say it's time for Him to check in, because this whole rap music thing needs attending to.
I just found an old picture of "fat me" that I used to carry around as an incentive to stay on my diet. Unfortunately, now it's a goal.
They say that time changes everything, but it's been a while now and my kid's diapers aren't getting any cleaner.
The milk carton in my fridge says, "sell by March 6th." That gives me less than a week to find a buyer.
I hate it when I see one of those road signs that says "Draw Bridge Ahead" and I don't have a pencil.
I've started my own "Fonzi" scheme: People give me money to invest for them, but I just spend it on leather jackets and chicks.
If they can put a man on the moon, you would think they could get a plastic dinosaur out of your ass without surgery.
The world is my oyster. Now I just have to figure out how to get the damn thing open.
As I grow older and learn more about religions other than my own, it occurs to me that at age 19 I experienced a miracle; a sort of reverse Hanukkah. I call it "Hashanukkah" - I know I had enough hash oil to last for eight nights, but it only lasted for one.
If I ever get arrested for bouncing down my street naked on a pogo stick with a peacock feather in my ass, well, there's something else I can check off my list of things to do before I die.
Sometimes I wonder if God is really watching over us, or if I'm going to have to score that crack on my own.
There I was, lying, cheating and back-stabbing my way up the corporate ladder, feeling pretty darn good about myself, when someone told me the "J" in "WWJD" meant *Jesus*. I thought it meant *Judas*! Hoo boy, am I red in the face!
Every time I lock my keys in the car, I'm thankful that I had the uncommon foresight to keep a brick stashed under the hood.
Now that we're adults, it's hard to get the whole family together during the holidays, so we decided to combine them all and celebrate during one weekend. So now my dad will have a *real* reason for dancing around on the roof with a handful of sparklers in a Mrs. Claus suit while tossing turkey and cranberry sauce down the chimney.
When I die, I want to be buried in a piņata, because hey, Cheap burial + Free prizes = Everyone wins!
I just bet that if world peace breaks out someday, there'll be lots of parties around the world. Then someone will get drunk and start a fight.
Back when I was in high school, my guidance counselor once asked me what I was going to be when I grew up. To be a smartass, I told him I would be a crack whore. Turns out I should have told him I would be a psychic.
When I asked my doctor why it hurt when I urinate, he pointed out that my penis was on fire. I guess that's why he's the doctor.
I'm glad they never made an updated Transformers cartoon because the new robots would probably suck. What is PalmPilotta going to do in a battle, organize a bunch of addresses really fast?
I think we need to do something about the number of killer robots we let walk the streets. How hard could it be to put up signs saying, "No Killer Robots Past This Point"? It's not exactly brain surgery, people.
If you lined up all of the Gummi Bears in the world, they would stretch from the earth to the moon and back. Then, I'll bet NASA would get all the funding they wanted to go up there and get the Gummi Bears back, because nobody in their right mind wants to waste that many Gummi Bears.
Whoever says "money can't buy you happiness" should turn over their savings to me, then step back and be prepared to stand corrected!
As a graduation gift to myself, I bought a really bad toupee. I figure that if I wear it over my real hair all the time, by the time I go bald in thirty years or so everyone will figure it's just how my hair normally looks.
Man, you know it's going to be a bad day when you break a lace on your shoe bomb.
I'll bet the reason more people don't graduate from rodeo clown school is because they don't pass Being Funny While Getting Gored in the Ass 101.
I don't think I'll be able to keep my New Year's resolution. As if it isn't going to be hard enough to capture Osama bin Laden, I just found out that Wal-Mart is sold out of bug spray *and* cheese graters.
I think it would have been funny if Christopher Columbus had sailed over Niagara Falls on April 1st, screaming, "Oh, no! We're going over the edge of the world!!"
I finally finished with the slogan I've been working on for months: "Like gravy for the soul." Now I just have to come up with a suitable product.
I bet Judy Garland kept her Dorothy outfit just so she could wear it on Halloween and laugh at all the little girls and their crappy homemade ones.
That's the last time I'll ever get drunk and discipline my kids. 'Cause I don't have any kids, and their real dad totally kicked my ass afterward.
Whenever I find myself in a really dangerous moment, I stop and ask myself, "What would Steven Seagal do in a situation like this?" Then I go out and make a really crappy movie.
I used to wonder where all that debris on the lint screen came from -- until the day I found the rest of my gerbil's remains in one of my sweat socks. Mystery solved!
I won't drink anything that comes in a blue bottle. I urinated in a blue bottle once, and I'll be damned if I can remember which one.
I was planning a big surprise birthday party for my friend. Then I decided to just tell him about the party, then throw him a surprise no-party. It's a lot less work for me, and an even bigger surprise. After all, everybody loves a surprise on their birthday.
I just don't understand it. I eat, and eat, and eat, yet I still can't lose weight.
Do they sell a sticker that shows Calvin urinating on a car that has a sticker of Calvin urinating on something in its back window? 'Cause I hate those stickers.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee.
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, 'No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?' Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, 'Look. It's always gonna be me.'
We'd be a lot better off if instead of this whole war thing, we simply challenged al Qaeda to send their four best pro wrestlers to fight against three of our pro wrestlers and Leonardo DiCaprio. Not only would we quickly resolve this conflict, we'd get to see Leo beaten with a folding chair.
"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em," my mom always said. Join 'em in what? Being beaten? Woo hoo, thanks, Mom!
Whenever I meet someone who's lost an eye, I like to ask if they at least enjoyed the fun and games part.
Market research shows that Americans tell lies an average of 4 times per day. Actually, I just made that up. One down, three to go!
I think baseball would be a much more challenging sport if batters had to use their arms instead of a stick of wood.
I bet a lot of mimes choke to death because nobody believes they're really choking.
I bet if they made an ice cream with beef chunks wrapped in leather, they'd call it something like "Triple Cow."
Trust me on this one: Challenging someone to a duel by slapping them with a glove is far more effective if you fill the glove with loose change first.
Instead of committing random acts of kindness this holiday season, I'm going to commit random acts of drunken debauchery. Sure, it might not have the same socially redeeming value, but it'll be a lot more fun than another afternoon serving cookies at the retirement home.
My lifelong goal has always been to be a Broadway dancer. Well, either that or to be able to fit twelve raisins up my nose. Whichever comes first.
Man, I really thought I was a lock for the Sitcom Writers Hall of Fame when I came up with "What exactly is it you're driving at, Willis?
I once had a great affair online. It ended when I discovered that I was just replying to my own emails.
When I was a kid, I used to watch a show called "Adventures in Science", which was hosted by a guy named Dr. Science. Now, what are the odds of that?
No one can say where that line is between fascination and obsession. But wherever it is, Leonard Nimoy's lawyers and mine have agreed that its width is exactly 500 feet.
I want to invent a gun that looks exactly like a banana. Then, if I were ever attacked by some bad guys, I'd pull out my banana-gun, and everybody would start laughing. Until I shot them, that is.
I think the saying should go, "It's all fun and games until someone *finds* an eye," especially if you find it in your own vomit.
If I had the chance to go on the Jerry Springer Show, I would kill everyone I knew the night before, so that when Jerry says, "Well, we've got a surprise for you," I could say, "No, Jerry - I have a surprise for you!
I used to think that the worst feeling in the world was being lonely, until I remembered that sliding down a giant cheese grater naked is also pretty bad. So it hit me what would be worst of all: sliding down a giant cheese grater naked, and having no one to share it with.
Kids today have so many advantages I never had. There's no telling what I could've accomplished with a home computer and a handgun.
I've got a feeling that my utter contempt for those who know less than me will come in real handy when I become a teacher.
I'm not really a big fan of porno movies, but hey, they keep the kids I babysit occupied.
I'm confused - who's really the Boss, Bruce Springsteen or Tony Danza?
Sometimes my pee smells like Cheerios. At first I worried about my pee. Now I worry about Cheerios.
PMS is feeling the way Linda Tripp looks.
I think my parents got the expression wrong when they started beating me *with* a red-head step-child.
I remember those terrible days back in boot camp. I was always getting in trouble for saying, "Yes Sir!" after I was given a command. Then when the drill instructor... wait a second...I never went to boot camp. Who was that guy?
I think a good idea for gun control would be to collect all guns and hand out fish. Sure, a lot of people get a good meal out of it, but I just really want to see Bruce Willis pull out a fish in his next "Die Hard" movie.
I have a bumper sticker that says, "Don't honk if you can't read this." Everywhere I drive, I leave confused people in my wake.
If that damned mailman asks me just *once* more about my necklace of human tongues, it'll be the *last* time. That's all I'm saying.
If I ever get liposuction, I hope they let me keep some of what they remove, 'cause nothing says "Home Cookin'" like chicken fried in your own fat.
The great thing about stepping out of the car at a field-sobriety checkpoint buck-naked and waving a gun is that the
cops forget all about the drunk driving thing and you'll get to keep your license.
When I'm sitting in my office and birds fly into the window, I feel ashamed that human technology sometimes causes problems for nature's creatures. But then I have to laugh, because are they stupid, or what?
Here's the plan: When I find myself at death's door, I'm going to ring the doorbell and run like mad.
You want to know why I support a manned mission to Mars? Because if an eight-man crew were to spend a year or two away from Earth, there'd be that much more natural resources for the rest of us. Man, we could all breathe like sons-of-bitches.
You know how they're always saying, "If you can imagine it, you can make it happen?" Well, I've been imagining myself getting it on with my next door neighbor for a year now, and so far the only thing that happened is she put up a higher fence.
My mother always said, "Never go horseback riding when you're stoned, because you'll kick the horse for the hell of it and it will buck you off and you'll break your neck." Well, she didn't actually tell me that, but it would have been very useful if she *had* told me before I did it yesterday.
I always wear green on St. Patrick's Day when I go to work at the pliers factory, because hey, who doesn't like a few pinches by a hefty pair of lineman's pliers?!
I just registered "bonfigliokryczyskovsky.com", because if somewhere there's a guy named Bonfiglio Kryczyskovsky, and he tries to register his name and finds out that *another* Bonfiglio Kryczyskovsky has already beaten him to it, it'll definitely blow his little pink mind.
I'm working on a new theory about the JFK assassination
involving Billy Ray Cyrus as the lone gunman. I call it the "Magic Mullet" theory.
If I were going to become a serial killer, I think it'd be great to kill people with tools I borrowed from the people who live on my street. It'd probably put them in a *real* awkward position later when those news reporters ask them if I was one of those neighbors who kept to himself.
If I could meet just one person from history, I think I'd choose Hitler. 'Cause that guy just can't get enough ass-kickings, if you ask me.
Clark Kent had a day job in *addition* to being Superman. Talk about a work ethic!
If you're a bathroom attendant, then maybe "Take Your Children To Work Day" is not for you.
I think complete lack of patience should be a covered disability under the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Then people like me would not have to sit through all of those annoying red traffic lights.
Good things come in small packages. Good things come to those who wait. So, if you're waiting for a small
package, that must *really* be sweet.
If the Miss America Pageant had a competition for who could stand on one foot the longest while humming, well, let me tell ya, it'd be a whole different ball game.
If you're lonely, but only because you killed all your friends, then maybe you deserve to be lonely.
If they would just pass a law saying that you don't get to keep anything that backs up the pipes and ends up in your toilet, I could stop the constant checking and save myself a lot of disappointment.
If it's true that "Early to bed and early to rise makes you healthy, wealthy, and wise", why are chickens so poor and stupid?
If you just feel like shooting someone, you might want to buy your bullets and then shoot the clerk at the gun store - that way, you won't have to make two stops.
If we ever get the warning that nuclear bombs are headed our way, I'm going to coat myself with Shake & Bake mix. That way, when everyone else is burned to a crisp, I'll be tender, plump and juicy.
If my entire bathroom were made of Nerf, falling in the shower would actually be a hoot.
Birds of a feather flock together. Then they all get sucked into the engine of the same jet liner.
I'm trying to invent a new disease so I can get my name on it, but it's harder than you might think. I've been eating a lot of mold and letting obscure animals bite me.
I'm going to get an expiration date tattooed on my arm: "Expires 5-18-2022." That way, if I happen to die on that date, maybe I'll get in the newspaper or something.
My new hobby is channeling the sprit of Gerald Ford. Yeah, I know he's not dead yet, but I see no reason to put things off till the last minute.
I just got word from the patent office that the "Chocsicle" has already been invented...damn you, Thomas Edison!
What do you mean, "If a woodchuck could chuck wood"? What's the point in calling it a "woodchuck" if it can't?
I was asked to leave the theater after throwing feces at the screen during "Planet of the Apes." Looks like those evil humans figured out whose side I was on.
Here's something I learned recently: One of the best things about this country is that they can't arrest you for clogging up a public toilet.
I made a discovery: It's impossible to sing the theme to "The Jeffersons" without walking like George Jefferson. I'm pretty sure I'm the first person to notice this, but I'm not sure if it's the kind of discovery you can get grant money for.
If Geppetto was such a good carpenter, why he didn't just have Pinocchio lie all the time so Geppetto would have an
infinite supply of wood to make little wooden things out of?
I've heard it said that your worst day when you're alive is better than your best day when you're dead. Personally, I think that's just a bunch of crap that dead people say.
When the cow jumped over the moon, I bet he was all like, "that's one giant leap for cowkind." I feel sorry for them, though, since they really haven't advanced all that much.
Of course the meek will inherit the earth! Did you think they were going to take it by force?
If I ever get sent to the electric chair, I'm going to fake getting shocked before they throw the switch. Then I'll pretend to come back to life and they'll have to let me go, because you really can't second guess a miracle.
A lot of people face adversity by asking, "How would Jesus have dealt with this?" But that doesn't help me much, because I doubt Jesus ever had bad credit.
If someone ever shoots a flaming arrow into my heart, I sure hope that they put a marshmallow on the tip. There's no way I could get mad at them for that!
I would have to say that my favorite movie of all time is "Annie." I especially love the part where DeNiro plays Russian Roulette in the VC prison camp. Wait, that was "The Deer Hunter"...Oh, what the hell - I love 'em both!
One day, I'm going to break Neil Armstrong's record. Then *I'll* be the first man to walk on the moon, and everyone will forget all about that other first guy.
I don't think America will have really made it until we have our own salad dressing. Until then we're stuck behind the French, Italians, Russians and Caesarians.
I think we should get rid of nuclear bombs and make bombs that are full of snakes. This has two benefits: 1) There's not much destruction to buildings. 2) We get rid of snakes we don't want.
Winners never quit and quitters never win, but one time I quit playing Russian Roulette with this drunk guy. He kept playing by himself, though, and I felt like the winner that time.
Last night got really weird. Eventually, the paramedic's leftmost head told me I was hyperlucinating, and that I should breath into the walrus until it turned into a paper bag.
Something about one of Mr. Rogers's neighbors has always troubled me: What's a guy named "Mr. McFeeley" doing
on a kiddie show in the first place?
I thought learning to play the bagpipes was hard, until I realized I was just strangling an ostrich.
Guns don't kill people, people kill people -- but people *with* guns? Oh, man, NOW you're talkin'!
Some days I just pray for spontaneous combustion.
I'd always wondered what it would be like to live on the sun, until my mother-in-law suggested that pressing my face against a hot frying pan might give me an idea. Trust me, you *don't* want to move there.
If I had $100 for every time the James Brown song "I Feel Good" appears in a film soundtrack, I'd get the finest leather-and-satin-green-and-brown-zipper-open-to-the-navel-faux-leather-collared jumpsuit that money can b-- Wait!
I already own one! I'll just keep the money!
All my friends told me to go and see "Bridget Jones's Diary," but I think it's sick to make a comedy about a little girl who lives in an attic hiding from the Nazis.
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie may sound like a cool recipe, but I bet if I tried it, I'd just get a messy kitchen and bunch of people from PETA yelling at my ass.
I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and laugh when everyone realizes
that their horoscopes aren't coming true.
If you think I'm afraid of a fight, you are sadly mistaken.
If you think I am terrified to the point of pissing my sissyboy pants, you are getting a lot, lot warmer.
I think that someone must have surveillance equipment set up in my living room, because every once in a while, someone on the TV will tell me what channel I'm watching.
That really freaks me out, you know?
I'm willing to bet that the guy who accidentally discovered popcorn immediately soiled his mammoth-fur undies.
The computer card game slowed to an agonizing crawl. As I waited for the computer to make its first move, I slowly came to the conclusion that this "Solitaire" game is not for the impatient.
My dream is to someday be a member of the White House press corps and begin every question, "Riddle me this, Mr. President..."
We may never find out who let the dogs out, but I'd bet anything that PETA was involved.
In the middle of a heated argument, my teenaged daughter yelled, "I hate you and I wish you were dead!" Sadly, I walked to the kitchen, poured some Drano into a cup and started to drink it. Suddenly, she knocked the cup out of my hand and started bawling. Teens - they don't know what they want.
Miracles are all around you if you just look for them. For instance, that little piece of meat that you pick out of your teeth three days after eating ribs should be rancid, but it's not, it's still yummy. God is good.
The game of Monopoly is a lot like life, except you don't get $200 for going through a green light, and you don't drive a thimble. But wouldn't it be cool if you did?
My wife and I have decided that our child will be raised to see that money and material possessions are really not that important. That's got to be easier than us getting jobs.
Stay out of my country, you damn terrorists! Don't make me get the garden hose!
I wept because I had no shoes, till I met a man who had no head. Guess who's got shoes NOW?
For such a cool word, it's strange that "friggin'" isn't used much in the Bible.
I heard that if you put your ear to a sea shell, you can hear the ocean. So I put my ear to a sea shell, and all I heard was some chick screaming. Probably had something to do with that screaming chick I was standing next to, although it's hard to know for certain.
I think one reason they call them "Relaxed Fit" jeans is that "Ass The Size of Texas" jeans would not sell very well.
If you ever get pulled over by a cop and accidentally call him an insulting name, take it from me, "I'm sorry, officer, it's just the booze talking" is not the best excuse.
When my best friend Billy showed me that he lost one of his fingers in an accident, I cut off one of my fingers so we'd be the same. Well, as soon as I did that, Billy yelled, "Ha ha, I had my finger taped down the whole time!" That Billy, he got me good this time.
Imagine sitting at home some evening, minding your own business, reading a good book when all of a sudden Adolf Hitler sneaks up behind you and slams you on the head with a brick. That'd be just like him too, the bastard!
When in Rome, it's okay to do as the Romans do, but when in Egypt, don't even think about doing that Bangles walk thing
because you *will* get your ass kicked.
This Halloween, I'm also going to wire the door bell ringer to my bug zapper. That should teach the little bastards
that "no solicitors" means NO solicitors.
I don't think it's wrong to lie to women and tell them I'm a doctor, because they're probably lying to me when they say they need a gall bladder operation anyway.
If you're ever playing 1-on-1 with Jesus and you start trash-talking, don't say, "Who's your daddy?" because he'll just smirk at you and then as you're thinking "Oh...right," he'll blow by you in a blur of sandals taking the rock strong to the hole.
No need crying over spilt milk. Unless, of course, you're a truck driver and you just lost nearly 3800 gallons on the interstate - then it's okay to cry.
If I could be any concept, I would be infinity, 'cause man, you don't get any bigger than that!
One of my favorite things to do when I was a kid was to watch TV. I know it sounds funny, but it's true. Ah, reckless youth.
The only time absolutely all of your clothes can be clean at the same time is those brief few moments before the police arrive at the Laundromat to arrest you for public nudity.
I think you should always refer to the Devil as "Ol' Stinky Fartpants," because if you do end up in Hell, the two of
you could have a big chuckle over it.
My wife is such a good cook, she made our entire Thanksgiving dinner in an E-Z Bake oven. Sure, she had to start in April, but still.
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
I believe Dr. Kavorkian is onto something. I think he's great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, 'You can't fire me. I quit.
I hate snakes. To me, the only thing that would be worse than getting bitten by a poisonous snake would be getting bitten by a snake that injected you with mayonnaise, because I *really* hate mayonnaise.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't quit my job. I'd just sit there doing nothing and see how long it took them to fire me.
I wish that the leaves would fly south every fall and the birds would die and fall to the ground. That way I could get my cat to do all the raking.
If you're singing Christmas songs on your neighbor's lawn at night with your church group, it's called "caroling." But if you're doing it alone with no pants on, it's called "drunk and disorderly."
I'm not too worried about getting smallpox. On the other hand, bigpox scares the hell out of me.
He asked, "Lord, what about when there was only one set of footprints, and also a straight line with bootprints on one side and small, round circles on the other?" The Lord replied, "Those were the times that I carried you, and we were joined by a pirate pushing a wheelbarrow."
If I ever get sentenced to the electric chair, I think I'll apologize for my crime by stuffing my underwear with bread dough, since nothing says lovin' like something in the oven.
I'd love to do the Hokey Pokey with a bunch of Canadians, just so I could crack up every time they said, "...and that's what it's all aboooot."
When I reflect on all the things I've accomplished in my life and realize that I haven't really done anything, I think, "Geez, Louise! I'm getting away with it!"
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